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May 28, 2004

The Kentucky Philosopher's tale of true love...

Since our week has been filled with fairly mundane things like Fabulous Babe sitting on a couch and me rubbing her feet it seems only fair to NOT subject you to the details. Instead I've been trying to think of a few stories to serve as lessons for Junior.

Many of you may remember my friend the Kentucky Philosopher. ("Aw hell Selma. If position had anything to do with it we'd a had puppies.") What most of you may haven't heard is how he won Selma in a wrestling match.

You have to understand that at first these two were star crossed. Everytime one of them was single the other was taken. She didn't know he existed and he was smitten with the very sight of her.

One day while over at a friend's house he confessed his affection. This brought a response of raucous laughter. His friend, Charlie, explained that she had broken up with her boyfriend and that Selma was now available.

“What? Are you sure?”


“How do you know?”

“Because I asked her out and got her phone number.” With those fateful words he lifted a scrap of paper out of his shirt pocket and grinned like the Cheshire cat.

What followed was one of the greatest begging sessions of all time but to no avail. The KP explained how much he had Realizing he had his friend over a barrel the phone number remained squarely in Charlie’s possession, despite the KP using every weapon in his Wile E. Coyote bag of tricks. This went on for hours and still the result was the same. Finally in desperation a feverish idea came forth.

“Lets wrestle for it. Best 2 out of 3.”

I’ve explained previously that the KP resembles Sam Elliot but slightly taller and thinner. If he’s 190 lbs now that’s soaking wet. Figuring that this was 15+ years ago I’m betting that he weighed around 175.

Charle? Well he was what most people would typically call “gigantic” or “huge” depending on where you come from. Farm raised and bred at the time he topped 250 easily and any fat he had on him was positioned for leverage. Best testimony to his strength: he once knocked out two men who started a fight with him while he was falling down drunk. Two punches. Witnesses say he really didn’t hit them as hard as he could have and just wanted to be left alone.

“You want to wrestle me? Are you crazy? Ooof!”

That’s right. Figuring there was no other way the KP suckered him before he had a chance. With a flying tackle he leveled Charlie on the living room floor and pinned him before Charlie could recover from the initial blow to the gut.

“1, 2, 3!”

Once he could breathe again Charlie stood up. He took off his shirt and glared at the KP. Without a word he began moving furniture out of the way until there was finally enough room for two grown men to wrestle. When he was done he hunched over, glared and said:

“Let’s go.”

As the KP describes it the next 5 minutes were a complete waste of time, Charlie essentially folded him in half and planted him on his back. Along the way he gave the KP some serious rug burns and knocked him around out of principle. The KP said he struggled fiercely but there really wasn’t much he could do.

When the birds had quit circling his head the KP stood back up. (In hindsight he is always proud of the fact that he had at least winded Charlie.) They stood across from each other until finally they agreed to engage in the final match.

The KP describes what follows as one of the single greatest struggles of his entire life. For the next 15 minutes the two of them engaged in a brutal, no holds barred wrestling match. Both men freely admitted to kicking, scratching, gouging and other unseemly conduct. They tumbled and rolled throughout Charlie’s house knocking furniture akimbo.

In the end Charlie got the KP in a choke hold that there was no getting out of. (The KP remembers thinking that oxygen was really something he didn’t need but that he was starting to have trouble seeing.) At this point the two men had wound up near the kitchen. It was with his last spasms of resistance that the KP reached out to grab anything that might get him loose from Charlie. What he wound up with was…

A skillet.

Charlie doesn’t remember actually being hit with the skillet which is probably a good thing. All he remembers is the KP holding him down, finishing the 3 count and diving for the phone number. Realizing that all is fair in love and war Charlie let him have it. (Charlie does point out that any fine motor control he had at this point was a bit fuzzy.)

The KP called Selma, told her that he got her phone number from Charlie and that he would like to ask her out on a date. She agreed and things went from there. I seem to remember that Selma recalls the KP being a bit frayed at the edges on their first date but that seems appropriate. They’re married with two children now and a certain skillet hangs in their home.

Here’s the lesson Junior: True love is worth fighting for, even if it means wrestling someone almost twice your weight.

I almost forgot. Always get a souvenir of your greatest victories. (This explains why I still have the business card your mom gave me with her phone number on it the night we met.)

Posted by Jim at May 28, 2004 12:57 AM