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January 06, 2004

The Kentucky Philosopher on determining the sex of your child.

Fabulous Babe dictated early on that she wanted a girl. (Like I have any sort of input in this department.) She since changed her mind and now just wants a healthy whatever it will be. That doesn't stop me from telling a relevant story.

Around the time I was 28 it seemed like it was last call at the singles bar and I got stuck with the bill. All of my friends were marrying off and trying to have kids. Of the merry band of misfits that I know the couple that got started right out of the gate were Slim and his wife Selma.

Slim is the closest thing to Plato that Kentucky may ever produce. Imagine Socrates being 6'4" at about 175 lbs and wearing a University of Kentucky hat and you're there. I have a BUNCH of good Slim stories.

It turned out that several of us ended up in KY for the 4th of July weekend. While we were sitting out drinking beer and contemplating the fireworks for later. Suddenly the subject turned to kids, who was trying to have them, etc. Soon enough the conversation turned around to trying to have either a boy or girl.

Slim's wife suddenly sat up. Where most of the conversation so far was pretty general this was an area near and dear to her heart. (Slim had wanted a boy and she had tried to oblige him.) For 15 minutes Selma poured out her heart on the subject. Within 5 we were beginning to nod off. By 10 minutes we were glazing like Krispy Kreme donuts. At 15 the veneer of polite society was wearing thin.

Realizing the need for action Slim realized an opening and spoke these immortal words:

"Aw hell Selma. If position had anything to do with it we'd a had puppies."

The explosion of laughter and beer spraying from noses and mouths drowned out completely the roar of air thrust from Slim's lungs as his wife elbowed him in the side. (He ended up with a bruise the size of a softball.) While Selma blushed and Slim recovered I was left with a very clear couple of lessons:

a.) You have no control over what sex your child will be.


b.) No good deed goes unpunished.

Posted by Jim at January 6, 2004 11:18 PM


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