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March 09, 2005

"The centerfolds used to have staples?"

This one's a piece of advice for Jack on men's magazines.

Specifically the ones with pictures of women in various states of dress and undress.

If you're easily offended by mild conversation about this topic then just skip this one.

Otherwise you've been appropriately warned.

Dear Jack,

There are many types of magazines that cater to all types of men. Some guys love their cars more than anything else and magazines like “Road & Track” are what they look for on the newstand. Some guys like outdoor activities and they’ve got “Outdoor Life” or “Field and Stream”. From video games to firearms to woodcraft, there are magazines devoted to whatever interests you can think of.

I was at lunch today with someone who was talking about her self centered ex-boyfriend. After hearing her bemoan this loser for a few minutes I cut to the chase:

“He reads Maxim doesn’t he?”


“Yeah. How did you know?”

“He seems the type.”

Guys tend to live up to their magazine subscriptions. I get the following magazines: a couple of model railroading magazines, a couple of magazines devoted to my old career, a couple of general IT and a few specific IT and a few that I just get because I’m interested in a couple of regular contributors.

None of these are pornographic.

Don’t get me wrong. I like naked women. I just don’t need them showing up in my mailbox every month. Besides Jack, I live with your mom and having some strange naked woman show up in my mailbox with some sort of regularity is, to me, rude and disrespectful. It doesn’t mean I don’t get an eyeful from time to time, it simply means I don't subject your mom to it on a regular basis. (The odds are she would probably just throw them away if she got to them first.)

Let me clue you in on the scope of porn Jack:

Maxim / FHM
Jack these are magazines for teenagers who can’t buy porn legally, men who are too whipped to be able to go out and buy porn or worse, are attempting to cloak their porn in some sort of legitimacy. "It's a magazine about bachelor life!" If you’re trolling through these for your jollies you’re in a bad spot and need help: There’s no nudity and the men’s cologne samples will overwhelm you in time.

I hate to say it but most of the people I see buying these two magazines pretty much believe they live in a beer commercial where everyone is pretty and everyone wants to shag them. Must be nice to live in that dream world.

The old standby. If you have to buy porn buy Playboy. I had a subscription that I received as a Christmas gift one year. Before that I had purchased about a half a dozen issues over the course of 8 years. All of them are currently tucked away in a dark corner of the basement waiting for you to get old enough to discover:

“Dad! Why does that girl have such big hair?”

“It was the 1980’s son. Some things are just best forgotten.”

Playboy is pretty harmless all things considered. It’s not particularly vulgar and I learned some things reading Playboy that were genuinely helpful as I grew older. That doesn’t mean you should attempt to live the “Playboy Lifestyle” and any thoughts you might have about your college funds building you a “Grotto” are sadly out of place my son.

Robin Williams has the line to remember here: The reason they call their centerfolds “Pets” is that you’ve seen dogs in some of the same positions. My guess is that Penthouse won’t be around when you read this so that’s a relief. The only thing Penthouse has going for it are the awful letters that used to appear in it. They almost always started with some sentence about being a student at a small college and ended up with situations that were highly improbably and physically impossible.

Their title says “Yes” but your dad is telling you “No”.

Barely Legal
The title sums it all up. If you didn’t feel dirty enough reading that title then remember that Barely Legal counts Michael Jackson as one of their regular readers. Ugh.

Anything else
We’re wandering into fetish material with most everything else. “Perfect 10” or “Juggs” or whatever else comes to mind is there to serve a smaller and smaller portion of the overall audience. Realize that the stranger your interest and the farther off of the trail the weirder you are. (Honest!)

Porn is addicting Jack. By the time you realize you have a problem you’re buying magazines with naked midgets from stores you wouldn’t want to be found dead in. Imagine the police having to explain to your wife that you passed away from a heart attack in the “Fuzzy Animals” magazine aisle at “Harry’s Porn-O-Rama!” Not a pretty picture is it? If I'm first on the scene I'll do my best to drag you to a different aisle.

Here’s the deal. When you’re old enough and I think you can handle it, I’ll gift you the stash of old Playboys I have. When you’re 18 and out of the house you can buy whatever you want and I’ll respect your right to privacy. (Although I warn you know that I will tease you if I see porn out in your home.)

Let’s be clear about something though Jack: you can’t snuggle a magazine. You can’t have a magazine kiss you back when you kiss it below the ear on the nape of it’s neck. A magazine won’t hold you, call your name or whisper in your ear. A magazine won’t appreciate little surprises or grab your butt during a slow dance.

That’s right son. Let the other guys keep their magazines. The real thing is a hell of a lot more fun.

If you learn that then you're set.



Posted by Jim at March 9, 2005 10:56 PM


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